I recall when I was a child (both from fragmented personal memory as well as from tales from my parents) that the hardest thing to wrap my mind around was why things couldn’t always be fair. I would often perceive grave injustices in the world (why can Chris go out for ice cream but I can’t!?) and felt like something was clearly very wrong in the world if things weren’t orderly and fair. My mother would often offer a very simple explanation, “life’s not fair.” It almost became a motto of sorts. I wanted to start off this post with this anecdote to highlight a very simple point, but one that many children are confused and perturbed by: conflict is unavoidable, things don’t always go your way, and yes, life isn’t always fair.

Small to an Adult, Big to a Child

There comes a turbulent time in a young child’s life when they realize that they have desires that cannot always be satiated. I can’t engulf candy in enormous quantity without a stomach ache. No matter how much fun I’m having there’s always a bed time. Sometimes other children have WAY more toys than I do. To many adults these problems seem so inconsequential that they are tempted to tell their child just to “get over it” or “stop whining” or even provide the infamous rationales that kids in Africa have next to nothing by comparison.

The problem with these responses is that they are dismissive in nature. Is telling a child to “get over” an emotional conflict for the child’s benefit, or the guardians? Instead I encourage guardians to really listen to these complaints, no matter how small or even petty they can sometimes be, in a child’s limited experience some of these issues can cause a great deal of anxiety.

What’s Happening “Beneath the Surface”

Let’s break down some of those previous conflicts, and search if a deeper lesson or meaning exists within. A child crying because they can’t eat loads of candy for instance, it’s enough to make many parents roll their eyes or tell them stories about dieting that a child couldn’t possibly relate to. What’s really happening here in the mind of a child? A child with proper guidance from a guardian could learn about such things as moderation, body health, and even the concept of self-reward (how about we knock out a couple math problems and then we can have a little more candy?).

By taking this seemingly trivial conflict as seriously as the child is, a guardian may realize that there is a deeper process occurring. Additionally, by merely expressing to the child that their concerns are worthy of your attention, a child will feel less defensive about their stance and will be much more likely to listen to an argument grounded in reason. One of the biggest things I encourage in parenting is to first meet a child emotionally, and then once the situation is defused, you can present rational ideas.

Planting Seeds…

Conflict can also present a guardian the opportunity to help introduce and/or hone within children the skill of recognizing another person’s point of view. A great many conflicts, no matter if you’re young, old, or in-between are born of a lack of understanding. By not understanding why someone would act a certain way, or why the world would punish you specifically, it’s a surefire path to frustration or despair.

To many developing children, the minds and motives of others are a mystery so vague that they often don’t even bother to consider. Why did Riley take my toy from me and stick out her tongue? Because she’s a big stupid jerk of course! By taking the time to sit down with your child and explore how another person may feel (maybe Riley took the toy so that you would start playing a game with her?) a guardian can plant the seeds of practicing empathy, an invaluable skill which can lead to healthy and fulfilling relationships with others.

Curiosity is the key!

As a final note of advice for turning a child’s conflict into a learning opportunity, I encourage guardians to always support their children to learn, question, and seek understanding. Conflicts can bring out some of the most complex themes in our lives such as equality vs. inequality, self-control, differences in motivation, and greed vs. appreciation. I encourage guardians to expect the most out of their children, and trust that in some way, even at a very basic level, that a child can understand some of these concepts and that they are worthy of your time and effort to explore them. As adults we rarely feel happy when we’re left in the dark especially when compounded by a stressful event. Children are no different, they long to know why the world isn’t fair, and you as a guardian can help them take that step.

The post Making Connections with Children Through Conflict: Finding the Rainbow in the Storm appeared first on Bloom Play Therapy.

1. Eye Contact

One of the most important and overlooked forms of nonverbal communication that can make a profound positive impact on a child is the degree of eye contact an adult makes with them. So often children look up at the tall world around them, with the “important grown-ups” towering above them. By kneeling down and getting on the child’s level, or better yet, below the child’s level and looking up at them, a connection is formed that emphasizes the child’s importance. On the flipside, standing over a child and looking down on them can sometimes be interpreted as imposing, and whether it is intentional or not, a child may automatically feel compelled to be defensive and evasive.

2. Facial Expression

Although this may seem obvious to some, facial expressions can sometimes communicate more to a child than any words coming from an adult’s mouth. Maintaining soft eyes and a relaxed face, versus slitted eyes and a frown, encourage the child to listen and stay connected, even while disciplining. When starting a conversation with a child, they may simply see the angry facial expression on display and immediately go into a “fight or flight” response.

3. Tone of Voice

Going hand-in-hand with facial expression, tone of voice offers much more context to a situation than any words can for a child. Being able to maintain a soft, comforting and calm tone of voice when communicating with a child helps show that they are safe, and that the adult still cares and loves for the child even in a stressful situation.

4. Posture

Posture is something that often flies under the radar for most adults, as many posture habits are ingrained over many years and have become unconscious. To better form connections with a child it is important to analyze these posture habits and explore the way you stand and hold yourself when communicating. By relaxing your shoulders, having open hands and perhaps kneeling towards the child, an adult expresses an openness and calm that is appealing and safe. Many adults have formed habits such as crossing one’s arms, putting hands on hips or leaning forward imposingly towards a child when communicating. This often creates a sense of unease within the child as it unconsciously communicates a stance of being “closed-off.”

5. Gestures

Nonverbal gestures are incredibly important to take into account when communicating with children, just think of how nearly effortless it is or young adults to pick up sign language! By offering hugs, high-fives, and gentle touches on the shoulders or head, adults can create strong and lasting connections. However, aggressive gestures such as wagging a finger, accusatory pointing, or tossing one’s hands up in the air can cause a lasting impact on a child (think of how often children “parrot” these gestures, even at a very young age!)

6. Timing of Response

Perhaps the most overlooked nonverbal communication on this list, the timing of response when communicating with children goes a long way in establishing a child’s perceived level of self-worth and importance. By letting a child finish their entire statements before speaking, or asking relevant clarifying questions, an adult shows they are engaged, connected, and ready to truly listen. Interrupting a child or leaving long distracted pauses before answering communicates to the child that you are not as engaged and therefore less connected.

7. Intensity of Response

Similar to the timing, it’s very important to reflect on how you are going to say the next words to a child. By staying calm and being patient (even in a hectic situation!) an adult can pass on these very skills to the child, regardless of the verbal content. Yelling, crying, and adding unnecessary intensity to a response often drives away a child, severing intended connection.

8. Bodily Movement

Finally, the last tip on effective nonverbal communication with children is to focus on one’s movement patterns, especially when moving towards a child when beginning to communicate. Before beginning a conversation, slowly moving closer to a child in a relaxed manner and bending down towards them creates an enticing environment for a child to become engaged in. Bodily movements such as quickly walking away, stomping, or jerky, anxious moves can create a chaotic and unpredictable environment for a child, and one they may wish to avoid rather than connect with.

As mentioned previously, many nonverbal skills inherent within adults have been learned and set into habit sometimes over the course of decades. Despite this, I hope that this post will encourage adults to self-reflect on how they present themselves non-verbally when communicating with children, and can lead to positive change that will create a more nurturing and connected relationship.

The post 8 Tips on How to Effectively Communicate with your Child using Nonverbals: Forming Connections Without a Single Word appeared first on Bloom Play Therapy.