A Look Back…
I recall when I was a child (both from fragmented personal memory as well as from tales from my parents) that the hardest thing to wrap my mind around was why things couldn’t always be fair. I would often perceive grave injustices in the world (why can Chris go out for ice cream but I can’t!?) and felt like something was clearly very wrong in the world if things weren’t orderly and fair. My mother would often offer a very simple explanation, “life’s not fair.” It almost became a motto of sorts. I wanted to start off this post with this anecdote to highlight a very simple point, but one that many children are confused and perturbed by: conflict is unavoidable, things don’t always go your way, and yes, life isn’t always fair.
Small to an Adult, Big to a Child
There comes a turbulent time in a young child’s life when they realize that they have desires that cannot always be satiated. I can’t engulf candy in enormous quantity without a stomach ache. No matter how much fun I’m having there’s always a bed time. Sometimes other children have WAY more toys than I do. To many adults these problems seem so inconsequential that they are tempted to tell their child just to “get over it” or “stop whining” or even provide the infamous rationales that kids in Africa have next to nothing by comparison.
The problem with these responses is that they are dismissive in nature. Is telling a child to “get over” an emotional conflict for the child’s benefit, or the guardians? Instead I encourage guardians to really listen to these complaints, no matter how small or even petty they can sometimes be, in a child’s limited experience some of these issues can cause a great deal of anxiety.
What’s Happening “Beneath the Surface”
Let’s break down some of those previous conflicts, and search if a deeper lesson or meaning exists within. A child crying because they can’t eat loads of candy for instance, it’s enough to make many parents roll their eyes or tell them stories about dieting that a child couldn’t possibly relate to. What’s really happening here in the mind of a child? A child with proper guidance from a guardian could learn about such things as moderation, body health, and even the concept of self-reward (how about we knock out a couple math problems and then we can have a little more candy?).
By taking this seemingly trivial conflict as seriously as the child is, a guardian may realize that there is a deeper process occurring. Additionally, by merely expressing to the child that their concerns are worthy of your attention, a child will feel less defensive about their stance and will be much more likely to listen to an argument grounded in reason. One of the biggest things I encourage in parenting is to first meet a child emotionally, and then once the situation is defused, you can present rational ideas.
Planting Seeds…
Conflict can also present a guardian the opportunity to help introduce and/or hone within children the skill of recognizing another person’s point of view. A great many conflicts, no matter if you’re young, old, or in-between are born of a lack of understanding. By not understanding why someone would act a certain way, or why the world would punish you specifically, it’s a surefire path to frustration or despair.
To many developing children, the minds and motives of others are a mystery so vague that they often don’t even bother to consider. Why did Riley take my toy from me and stick out her tongue? Because she’s a big stupid jerk of course! By taking the time to sit down with your child and explore how another person may feel (maybe Riley took the toy so that you would start playing a game with her?) a guardian can plant the seeds of practicing empathy, an invaluable skill which can lead to healthy and fulfilling relationships with others.
Curiosity is the key!
As a final note of advice for turning a child’s conflict into a learning opportunity, I encourage guardians to always support their children to learn, question, and seek understanding. Conflicts can bring out some of the most complex themes in our lives such as equality vs. inequality, self-control, differences in motivation, and greed vs. appreciation. I encourage guardians to expect the most out of their children, and trust that in some way, even at a very basic level, that a child can understand some of these concepts and that they are worthy of your time and effort to explore them. As adults we rarely feel happy when we’re left in the dark especially when compounded by a stressful event. Children are no different, they long to know why the world isn’t fair, and you as a guardian can help them take that step.
